


Forgiveness and Guilt

by IBoatedHere



Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Guilt, M/M, episode rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 10:47:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7754707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IBoatedHere/pseuds/IBoatedHere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s not the guilt that gets him. It’s the absence of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgiveness and Guilt

It’s not the guilt that gets him. It’s the absence of it. 

He knows it should be in there somewhere. Taking life like that; in the woods, with no trial, mid-sentence, and so violently. 

It should affect him. 

It should shake him. 

It should make him pray for forgiveness. 

He knows it used to. 

Newt and his family and the way he couldn’t even watch Scott pull that trigger. 

Now he drags Worthington’s body into the water and tucks the cross into his jacket. He watches him slip beneath the water and his mind trips over different bible passages that he’s heard his whole life trying to find the right one. He can’t decipher one from the next. They’re all a blur. 

Worthington was a traitor first. Reverend second. He doesn’t deserve it.

He gets out of there before Worthington’s contact shows up. That’s a problem for a different day. He trusts his aim to take a second steady shot but his head is something else. 

It’s dark when Caleb finds him. He bounces into his tent looking tired but relieved and he’s halfway to Ben when Ben turns on him. 

“Where the hell have you been?” He snaps and Caleb visibly recoils.

“I could ask the same of you. Came back and someone told me they saw you ride off in plain clothes,” he waves a hand over Ben’s body. “It’s nice to see you looking how you used to but do you mind filling me in?”

Ben takes a deep drink and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “Worthington’s no longer a problem.” He passes the mug over and says “your turn.”

“Simcoe still is.”

“Simcoe? What the hell were doing with him? What were you thinking? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I knew you’d get like this. You had enough on your plate. This is my problem and when Anna and Abe-.”

“Anna and Abe? When did you see them?”

“This isn’t….it’s not coming out right….I shouldn’t have….” He holds the mug out to him. “Interest you in more ale, Tallboy?”

Ben reaches out and knocks it out of his hands. It disappears into the dirt and Caleb whines.

Ben sits down on the edge of his cot, hard, with his head in his hands, hands shaking with something he doesn’t know what to call. 

He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes hard enough to see spots when he eases them back. 

Caleb’s looking at him with his arms crossed and a crease between his eyebrows. 

“I’m supposed to be a school teacher,” Ben laughs. It’s bitter and stale like the ale they can no longer drink.

“I know,” Caleb soothes and cross the space between them slowly. “I know that.”

“I don’t feel bad.”

Caleb sits beside him, one leg tucked beneath him so it presses into Ben from hip to knee. “You shouldn’t.”

“I know you didn’t want me to do this-.”

“It’s not that I didn’t want you to. I know you had to.” He carefully reaches his hand out to rest on Ben’s knee. “You had to, Ben.”

“It’s getting too easy. What if I can’t stop it?”

“You can. You will. One day this’ll all be over and you can enjoy everything you worked so hard for. It’ll be worth it.”

“And you’ll be there?”

“Where else would I be?”

Ben slaps his hand on top of Caleb’s. “I mean it. You can’t just take off like that. You have to tell me these things.”

“Yes Sir, Major Tallmadge.”

“Not as a Major. As your friend. It’s not worth it without you here.” He squeezes his hand hard enough his blunt nails dig into Caleb’s skin. “Promise me.”

“I promise. I’ll be right here.” He wraps his arm around Ben’s shoulder and tugs him into his chest so Ben’s head is beneath his chin. “If you want me to be honest with you then I have something to tell you about Robert Rogers.”

Ben shuts his eyes tight and rubs his cheek against Caleb’s collarbone. 

“Go ahead.”


End file.
